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Alex (above) photo courtesy of Ted Stewart, Tracy Cormier, and
Sharon Delvisco
Two years ago, in the March-April 2000 issue of Gay Parent magazine, I interviewed Ted Stewart, a brand new father to Alex. Stewart co-parents Alex with Sharon Delvisco and Tracy Cormier. Originally from Alabama, Stewart lives in New Orleans, the mothers live in a rural area of Louisiana and are in the process of finding a home closer to Stewart. In my first interview with Stewart, he talked about the women approaching him to co-parent, their attempts to inseminate at home, and of the joyous birth of Alex. They have been working on expanding their family but after becoming pregnant recently, Delvisco miscarried. In the following, Stewart gives us an update and the mothers share their views.
Alex’s Dad, Ted
You all recently tried to have another child but Sharon miscarried.
It was a major disappointment and a tragic loss for me.
Have you considered adopting a sibling for Alex?
Yes, and we would love to adopt. It just seems so impossible, we don’t know how to begin.
In our first interview you said your partner did not want to be involved in parenting, has that changed?
Although he still does not consider himself a parent, he does seem to think of himself as a grandparent. Alex sleeps with him and calls him Papa Joe. In March, we had our annual St. Joseph altars here and Alex played the Baby Jesus and Papa Joe played St. Joseph. A New Orleans newspaper was there and photographed them, the photo was published in the paper yesterday. My partner adores Alex and Alex adores him.
What is Alex like?
Alex will be three in June. I didn’t experience the “terrible twos.” I’d say he skipped the terrible twos and his development is ahead of schedule, Alex is a large child. He weighs about forty-four pounds and comes up to my waist already. He is as tall as a four year old and seems at times to be as mature as a four year old.
Alex is a happy, care free child who loves to dance, play and sing. He laughs a lot, loves to be with other children and seems to be an extrovert like me. People frequently comment on how well behaved and well mannered he is and we rarely have to discipline him. He loves be read to and to drive his electric motorcycle. He loves anything that has to do with trains. When he is at my house his favorite thing to do is play in my partner’s boat.
How is he doing at his daycare?
Alex loves his daycare. His caretakers are wonderful people who love him dearly. He loves the other children there and I think he even has a girlfriend. Her name is Anna and he lets her do anything she wants including biting him.
How often do you spend time with Alex?
On average about two nights a week and he is at my house every other weekend. When it’s my turn to spend time with Alex we usually play in my partner’s boat, dine out, and sometimes I take him to a birthday party or to his gym class. We always go and visit his grandmother, Tracy’s mother, because she lives near me. We may play with the neighbor kids or travel to Alabama to visit my parents. We went two weeks ago just the two of us.
What activities do you do with Sharon and Tracy?
We usually all go out to eat and we frequently go to Sharon’s parent’s house together. Sometimes Sharon and Tracy go with us to Alabama to visit my parents and spend the weekend. And sometimes we go to church together.
In our first interview you said that some of your childless gay friends showed little support when you became a dad. Have you been able to network with other gay parents?
Yes, one of my best gay friends told me I was selfish for having Alex and I have predestined him to a cruel and harsh life. I haven’t been able to network with other gay parents whereas Sharon and Tracy have their Lesbian Mom’s group. As far as I know there is nothing for me.
You are a former Methodist minister and performed Sharon and Tracy’s holy union about five years prior to you all becoming a family.
I’ve conducted wedding ceremonies before but none since Sharon and Tracy’s. They had a ceremony that was a combination of Christian and Native American. There were drums and the ritual included the guests coming up and washing their hands in a bowl. It was a very interesting ceremony that involved a life circle.
How did the September 11th attack affect you?
I was shocked and felt badly for the families and the country, but I can’t say that it has affected me in any way.
During our first interview, you said that parenting had changed you including becoming more health conscious. You mentioned running around the Mississippi River Levee?
I quit smoking and started running. I now run three miles a day every day and have lost about thirty-eight pounds. I look great and feel great. Also, I attend graduate school where I’m working on another Masters Degree and am more than half way finished with my schooling.
What is the most difficult and the most rewarding aspect of being a dad?
The most difficult is giving up most of my leisure time. The most rewarding is having him put his little arms around my neck and hear him say, “I love you Daddy.”
Alex’s Moms, Sharon and Tracy
You recently tried to have another child with Ted but miscarried. What was this experience like for you?
Sharon: For me personally it was the worst experience of my life, I have never felt so helpless. I felt as though I lost a part of myself when I lost the baby. I am still grieving the loss of the baby. I still experience pangs of guilt and failure even though the medical professionals have told me nothing would have prevented the miscarriage.
As part of a couple, I was lucky to have Tracy to share the experience with me. She was very supportive and compassionate. Even though she was experiencing the loss with me, she only seemed to care about how she could be there for me.
Tracy: It was horrible. I felt completely powerless.
Was Alex aware of the miscarriage?
Sharon: Alex was not aware of the miscarriage. We did tell him, when we determined I was pregnant, that he was going to have a new baby. If we asked him questions about it he would say he wanted a new baby. However, we did not let him know that I was in the hospital. Ted brought Alex to my parents while Tracy and I were at the emergency room. We did not leave the hospital until very late, so Tracy did not pick up Alex until the next morning. Alex was a comfort to me during that first difficult week.
Have you considered adopting a sibling for Alex?
Sharon: Tracy and I have just mentioned it to each other once. It is still a painful thing for me to consider. I am not only grieving the loss of the baby but I am grieving the loss of the ability to bear my own biological children. We have not discussed it with Ted. I still get very emotional when talking about the details. These questions are making me cry as I answer them. If we adopt, it will be some time in the future.
Tracy: Yes, possibly more of a foster parent situation when Alex is old enough to understand what that means.
How does Alex address each of you?
Tracy: Mama T.
Sharon: I am the Mommie.
How would you describe your mothering roles?
Tracy: I am a big kid at heart and enjoy activities with him that require sweating. Also, I’m a firmer disciplinarian.
Sharon: I’m a softy. If he gives me hug or a kiss my heart melts. I like to pretend so we play musical band, horse back riding, dress up, etc. Tracy is more strict about following the rules than I am.
Tracy, what are your feelings as the non-biological parent?
I would have loved to have my own bio child, however, when Alex and I look into each other’s eyes, there is a connection that is not describable. I am his and he is mine, no DNA test could prove otherwise.
What is Alex like?
Tracy: He is the MAN! A gentle-man. He loves to go to Gymnastics Plus.
Sharon: Alex is an inquisitive child, very affectionate and a great problem solver. He seems to have a great sense of humor already and, due to the sitter,, has great manners. He loves trucks, especially fire trucks and books. Alex likes to scribble and draw with crayons, dig in the dirt outside, and loves anything to do with water. He adores television shows, Bob the Builder and Spot and likes to listen to music and dancing–he really shakes his booty. His favorite book on tape, which we listen to in the car repeatedly is, “Don’t Wake Up Mama.” Alex enjoys visiting “all his family” as he refers to them; list all his family members if asked, and likes to go with his cousin, Samantha, to her baseball team practice.
What are Alex’s favorite foods?
Sharon: This changes when the wind blows but right now he likes drinkable yogurt which we call shakes, pizza, cheese, hot dogs, bananas, peaches, and chocolate cake–he gets this one from me.
Tracy: Don’t forget the moon pies, he loves the moon pies.
What stage of development is he at, are you experiencing the terrible twos?
Sharon: I like to refer to this developmental stage as the “testing twos.” Tracy and I have made jokes about how it is Alex’s job to test us to see if we have good parenting skills. He asks, “Why?” and says, “No,” a lot, but frequently says, “I love you.”
How is he doing at his daycare?
Sharon: A retired couple, Grandmamma and Poppie, provide Alex with daytime care. I actually worked for Grandmamma when I was in high school. They are friends of my parents and we were lucky there was an opening. He has learned many things from them and from the other children there. There are about ten other children at the daycare. Alex counts to twenty, sings the alphabet song, and knows the primary colors. Once I asked Alex what he dreams about and he replied, “Poppie.” Sometimes when I arrive to pick him up in the afternoon he refuses to leave.
What kinds of activities do you do with Alex?
Tracy: I just like looking at him! He likes to swing on his swing set really high. We ride the St. Charles Avenue Street car, Alex refers to this as the “choo-choo.” We go to the zoo so he can run free and he loves it when I read stories to him at bed-time.
Sharon: We play outside, go to the park, to the movies, or walk around the block. Alex lives with Tracy and I so we are with him everyday. He spends every other weekend with Ted.
What activities do you do as a family with Ted?
Tracy: We eat at his house sometimes or go out to dinner. Once, Ted, Alex, and I went to a puppet show.
Sharon: Sometimes we go to church together. Ted visits us at home one to two times per week. He takes Alex to visit Tracy’s mom during his weekend with Alex and attends all of our family functions such as birthdays, dinners, and graduations.
Have you networked with other gay parents or supportive straight parents?
Tracy: Yes, we are members of a Lesbian Mom’s group. Brandy and John, our neighbors across the street have two daughters and they have been very supportive.
Sharon: When Alex was born some of the neighbors gave us gifts. My family has been supportive. Although the number of gay and lesbian people in our area has not grown, I think more people are “out” because they are not as afraid of the consequences.
Have you faced any discrimination since becoming mothers?
Sharon: Yes, when we joined a church in the suburbs where we live. Ted attended with us, we joined as a family. We met with the pastor before making our public membership commitment about our family. We really felt that we were accepted as full members of the church and had attended for almost a year. We went to family night, Ted and I joined the choir, and Alex adored Ms. Renata, the child-care provider. However, it became clear that certain members of our church did not want us to be in leadership roles because of our sexual orientation. Even though we volunteered to serve, some people were very judgmenta. Many of the members were very supportive of our family but several things happened before I said enough is enough. It was a very difficult decision for me to leave that church because I felt as though I was severing a relationship with a family.
How did the September 11th attack affect you?
Tracy: It made me not sweat the small stuff, my whole focus and energy goes to my family now, especially Alex. I am not as concerned about the overall big picture of life anymore, the day to day time that we spend together is much more valuable to me.
Sharon: It reminds me to put God first in my life. It reminded me to value my family. It makes me put Alex at the top of my priority list everyday. I thank God every morning for the gifts I have.
Have your lives changed since becoming mothers?
Tracy: The proudest accomplishment of my life is being Alex’s mother.
Sharon: No spare time! We really have to work at spending time alone. We miss Alex when he is with Ted but that is the only time Tracy and I have to do grown-up “date” activities.
What is the most difficult and the most rewarding aspect of being parents?
Tracy: There needs to be more than twenty-four hours in a day, having enough time to do everything is difficult. The most rewarding aspect is saying, “Hello,” and “Goodnight,” and getting a simple hug and a kiss from Alex that can’t be wiped off.
Sharon: The best thing is being hugged and hearing, “I lub you mommie,” when you didn’t even request the hug. The hard part is being a good parent, sticking to rules, keeping the structure in place that he needs, and teaching him to be a moral person. Being a parent is the most rewarding yet the hardest thing I have ever done. I would not trade it for anything else and savor every moment spent with him. Alex has made me a better person. |
